well, when do you admit defeat? I'm down to a hand full of change, a quarter tank of gas in both vehicles, out of meds, and short on dog food. I have about a weeks worth of propane, although it should last longer than that because the furnace and the water heater are both out of commission. I have till Friday to pay for another week here at the campground. I see no light at the end of the tunnel and at this point I'll take the train as long as it is quick and painless.
How can anyone call themselves a man when they can't even support a wife and a dog? I feel like I have failed at life. I used to see security guards working a little shack at places that I picked up from and thought, " If I ever have to resort to that I have failed at life"! Well,,,,right now I'd take that guard job if I could find one. I'm sorry I ever thought that way. I don't know what lesson I am being taught through this never ending experience in poverty but I will say this. I GOT IT! ENOUGH ALREADY!
I have asked for help from family members to no avail. They go to church on Sunday and reject you on Monday. I just needed a few weeks stake to stay afloat but there is no help coming from family. You get told that there is no extra to be given, that "Things are tight", yet you see them out on the town on Facebook going to concerts, fancy restaurants, Buying the latest fashions and more. Yet there is no room at the Inn for a pittance of help for a family member. How do people like that walk into a church without bursting into flames? I think that the term is hypocrite isn't it? They look like the best of Christians on Sunday but as soon as they are out of church they loose their religion with the first glass of beer or wine.
I'm done with family. From now on I have none. I know that sounds harsh but you can only take getting kicked so many times. Eventually you stop going back. If I end up at the end of an off ramp begging for change, at least I will not be begging from relatives. I may not be far from that as the point of desperation has been breached more than a month ago. I have an RV, and a truck to pull it with so I will have a place to live. There are no tags on either at the moment, don't need them as long as I'm parked. But soon I will be evicted from this campground and will have to take my chances on the road again. How do you hide a 36 foot RV that has no tags on it?
I now know how the elderly feel when they have to choose between medication and food, or food and the electric bill, gas bill, and so on. I have been out of medication for at least a month now. I am diabetic and do my best to eat what I am supposed to but it ain't easy when your broke. I barely eat in a poor attempt to control my sugar but my Neuropathy is getting worse. My feet are numb all the time now as well as most of my fingers. My right thumb is constantly splitting and is painful most of the time. When I wake up in the morning my hands are so twisted that they don't unwind until I've had my second cup of coffee. None of the drugs that the doctors in Illinois ever worked. There were plenty of side effects but none of them did what they said they would.
Besides family I believe I am through with the pharmaceutical industry as well. At this point I would leap back into a truck if I could only pass the physical and afford to gain my CDL back. I know that trucking is one of the reasons that got me here but at least I had a place to stay and a paycheck in the bank. 15 years of slaving in the trucking industry and this is what I get from it. Nothing! What a waste of my life. I'm 48 years old now and feel like I'm 70.
I hope my family are all warm and happy in their big ole homes and their flush bank accounts tonight. I know that I am not supposed to be bitter but I am. I can't help it. Sometimes I wonder if I was adopted. At least then I could understand the treatment I have gotten all the years of my life.
I am debating just walking off into the wilderness and fending for my self. I know how to hunt, fish, build shelter and more. I spent 12 years in the U.S. Army and six of that in the Infantry, I know how to survive. I just can't do it with a wife and dog. I think I could swing the dog, hell she can eat whatever I'm eating. She won't complain, she will be loyal and stay with me as long as she lives. Why is it that dogs are that way and humans have to place conditions on everything?
I heard that if you went out west that there are ranches that will let you stay on their land if you help maintain the ranch. If I had gas I'd head that way and try my hand at ranching. I'm not afraid to work, I would love to be a part of something bigger than myself. What I need is what the old timers called a Grub Steak? Something about getting enough supplies on hand to make it to the next job? My father always called thoughts like this "pipe dreams" like this is the stuff that dope heads think about instead of towing the line and getting on with the way your life is supposed to be run. Who determines how your life is to be run? I've spent my whole life up to about two months ago trying to live it the way everyone else thinks that I should. And when it no longer works, they all forgot that they had all those suggestions.
I don't care if I have to set fence posts in a blizzard! If there is a small paycheck, a meal, and a warm place for me and the dog to lay our heads, I'm in!
Rant over! I'll just sit back and hope that's not a trains headlamp that I see!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Tell us what you think.